Exhaustion

Today, I'm running on about 4 hours of sleep. I stayed up late making sure my you tube channel stayed to its "daily video" promise, and while I was up, I did some small edits so some other videos for later in the week I got to it so late because poor Sophia was having a terrible time falling asleep last night, but somehow magically got up at 6am, just like always.



I'm hoping that the exhaustion will wear off as the day goes on, that would be good. It usually does. But sometimes you're so tired you get that feeling that the exhaustion isn't something you can just shake off. Its not something that'll just go away with a cup of coffee and a hot shower. This is that type of exhaustion the "oh no I've made a terrible mistake" exhaustion. I remember it well as I used to struggle horribly with insomnia when I was a young lad.



I think almost all teenagers have insomnia, though. I can remember having a good number of friends on AIM to talk to at 2 or 3 am on a school night, and they would be getting up at the same time as me the next day (usually 6 am to make the school bus). How on god's green earth did we run on 3 hours of sleep a night? I'm sitting here with twice as much and I'm nearly ruined. Its funny how our bodies change in that way.



I had quite a few fun experiences with insomnia. I once slept maybe a total of 8 hours in a two week period. The reasons were a few: I was working hard on a large musical that the Drury Drama Team was putting on (its was pretty legit, we had a $30,000 budget)  I was also taking a full AP course load, working out with the football team in the off season, and oh yeah, my father was slowly dying. Its amazing how hard it is to sleep when your life is thrown off kilter. Most people in my life would look at my "high school life" and think that I must be doing great! in good shape, doing well in school, even acting in plays and so forth. However I think that high school had to be my darkest time, just attempting to deal not only with my father's slow passing, but also being there for my mom. As  you can imagine, losing the love of your life slowly isn't very easy.



So I didn't sleep for more than 8 hours for a week or so. Doing homework, working out, going to rehearsals, and mostly worrying when I should have been sleeping. Somehow thinking that if I stayed up I would think my mom and I out of our shitty situation. I then remember seeing a friend of mine from high school walk into the basement man-cave I had created for myself, and he sat down and started chatting with me. I went over and talked to him for a good 20 minutes about what I can't remember, as some of our other friends came in. I then told them to quiet down, because it was 3 AM and my mom might wake up. And they all vanished. I then decided it was about time for some sleep.



Sleep deprivation is a scary thing. Since that scenario happened I've been quite covetous with my sleep. Just recently have I felt OK digging into the sleep bank to help me finish a project, or to dig into something else. Loss of reality is scary. I couldn't imagine what folks with schizophrenia go through on a daily basis. It must be horrifying to not know what is real or not. 



As my father slowly got worse from his Alzheimer’s, my insomnia got less and less severe. as we put him in a home, I finally started sleeping in my bed again. As he passed, I would come home from school at 3pm, finish my homework, and "just take a nap" and wake up for school the next day. I would spend my weekend in a mixture of naps and 14 hour sleep marathons. I was catching up I think. A lot of people thought I had depression, but I never felt better. I just needed that sleep so dearly, and my body was so ready to give it to me.






I slept like this for a few months before college, and then I went to college with an unhealthy relationship with sleep. As anyone who went to college knows, its hard to sleep when you're in college at first: there’s something going on 24 hours a day. this was a poor choice for me. I was often up super late, then I would miss a morning class, and not get up until noon. It was good I was getting the sleep I needed, but It was bad I was missing classes. It took me a while to come back from that in college as well. Sleep schedules are something that you really can' t mess with. I messed with mine for about a year and it ruined me for 3. I felt as though I was constantly grumpy throughout college, I was always tired, and I would sleep for hours and hours. I would get angry at my friends for no reason, or just not talk to them anymore out of the blue. I hate to think how many friends I lost because of that.



I thought I had a handle on sleep in high school. I'm not tired, so I must be fine, right?" Its sound enough logic. Then in college I thought I would get enough just by sleeping more, more more. I would sometimes sleep 12 hours a day. I would still be angry. I was still angry at my dad. I was still angry at my mom. at that shitty situation that twas nobody's fault and pulled me out of my  sanctuary in Vermont, and forced me to deal with some real serious adult situations. That's growing up, I suppose.



Nowadays, I sleep between 6 and 8 hours a night. as I've written this, I can feel the exhaustion shaking off of me. I'm starting to feel a lot better already. I'll probably still take a nap when Sophia goes to sleep, but its good to be able to shake it like this. I used to pass out in class I was so exhausted, and still ignore it. I absolutely love sleep, but I'm no longer covetous of it. I'm just fine with 6 hours, or I'm just fine with 8. If i don’t get enough, I'll just go to sleep when I get sleepy that night. Or I'll rest. It's not a problem anymore.



Its just shocking to me how it has taken me more than a decade to build a healthy relationship with sleep again. For years I was too tired, oversleeping, or god knows what else, and it took me from age 15 until now for me to finally make friends with sleep. Maybe in some ways that means I'm making friends with my high school days finally. I'm finally making friends with that long gone part of my past that so shaped who I am today. Gave me a lot of the grit I have to push through a lot of situations. Gave me my need for strong women in my life, like my mother, and my wife. I think it is. And with that, I'll be getting ready for an early afternoon nap with Sophia, maybe a little earlier than later.