Friends After School

This is something that has been written about before. and I know its especially true for men: finding friends and building the "lets just hang out" relationships after school becomes exceptionally difficult.  I've been thinking about this now that I'm quite  few years out of college and its fascinating to me. Although I am what many people call an "extrovert" I have no problem striking up conversations, bringing people together, or entertaining...I also haven't really made any truly close friends well...since college. I have made some "friends" parents with similar age children, some guys I hang out with because we have some similar enjoyments...things like that... but besides that I haven't made any really close friends in quite some time.



I think a lot of it has to do with the change of time as you move into the working world. and especially the change in time availability as you have a child. I had a child right out of college, and my wife and I got thrown right into the thick of it before we could even enjoy married with no kids out of college life (which I hear is quite nice) So we never got to experience friendship making without the child variable outside of college. I imagine that that is a sight easier...you have fairly structured free time (nights and weekends) your evenings aren't constantly owned by the dinner bath pj book bed battle, so you can go out much more easily. Babysitters are a cost you don’t need to float if you want to go bond with someone. I imagine that outside of college it becomes as simple as picking up the phone and hanging out with someone. However based on what I've seen I bet that's not the case either.



I know this because I've made some good friends outside of college, and we like hanging out, and we also have a great time. But we don’t have that same bond. That....”hey lets just hang out while you play this shitty video game” bond. or the “Yeah sure I'll watch you bang your knuckles on a car for 4 hours while I drink a beer” bond. Those are friends that I really enjoy because there's nothing expected of you. you just do what you're going to do anyway, and enjoy their company and they enjoy yours.  With my "new friends" for lack of a better word ... I feel like I need to entertain them constantly, I need to have good things to say, and fun things to do, or else they will become bored, won't enjoy the time and so forth. I bet its not even true. but that's how it feels. It's a different experience altogether.



Now my oldest and best friend, Matt is exactly who I'm talking about. he's the guy I can just call up, and he'll come over and we'll do a whole lot of nothing for the day, and it'll be awesome. I mean we'll do things like play video games and bang around on a project he or I are working on, but there's no "we need to do this today" feeling. which is different than with other, newer friends I spend time with. Why is that? I feel as though it doesn't have so much to do with the fact that we grew up together, and went to college together, but more in the fact that we have spent a different TYPE of time together. because college time IS different. Its often measured in hours...an hour for class. An hour break. Lunch. Three classes for Three hours. Evening off. Go to your shitty part time job after, and so forth. There are a lot of little gaps in time where you're free to do what you want. Homework, work out, clean your house or dorm, or just shoot the shit with a buddy for an hour. Now an hour isn't really a whole lot of time to do something, but that's the whole point. since its only an hour you don't have any expectation for that hour. its not like "lets accomplish this as friends in an hour" its just "lets be friends for an hour" which is a different feeling even than the "lets grab lunch" hour that I've done with a few of my friends, a that hour is full of forced conversation and strange awkward 15 second silences, which I would have been fine with in a college setting. Sometimes people need to be quiet.



I wish there was like a secret sauce to the comfortable friendship, but I think the difference in how you spend time in college and in high school makes it so different. There's also the fact that when you're that young you don’t understand how time can get away from you. You realize as you get older that just burning time can sometimes be a real problem. because you really wont have time to clean up your house later, or change your cars oil, or make dinner. You need to make that time COUNT. and if it doesn't then what the fuck were you doing for 3 hours while you were fucking around with your buddy? Its hard to put a finger on.  My older buddies don't mind if they're chilling at my house while I clean up or make dinner or anything. that's a special distinction to make. for them and for me its just nice to be able to see them ,whether its me in my pj’s cleaning up, or we're going out to a restaurant as a bunch of buddies. Its very different.



I imagine as I get more accustomed to a more "grown up" lifestyle I'll better understand adult friendship. but for now it seems like a strange way for people to spend money they don’t need to spend to impress people they don’t particularly like. when I hang out with my more "adult" friends, I always spend more money than I should at restaurants or wherever we go, and I always feel bad about it after. When I hang out with my old friends, I Usually spend no money at all, and we're all happier for it.



I do have one friend who I’ve become extremely close with who I met after college, and we've had this conversation that I'm typing now.  He has friends who are much older (he's 7 years older than I am) and so they want to constantly go and DO something as friends. they constantly want to spend money doing things as friends. Chris can't particularly afford it at the moment, so it makes him all the more depressed. When he came to visit last for a long weekend, I bought lunch once, he bought takeout once, and the rest of the time was just us playing video games, shooting the shit, and generally enjoying each others time. In fact, he spent most of one entire day sleeping as he’s been working 15 hour days. I couldn't be happier just to have him around.



This is the difference. and maybe just made by having the right bond with a person, or similar interests, but these kinds of friends I feel are so much more real. Because there's nothing expected of you except to be good to them, and they'll give you that back in return. I feel as though as many folks grow older, they rate how well they're doing (or they express it to others) by spending more. and they of course want to do this in front of friends. I'm not sure if this is what friendship should be. In fact I'm pretty sure its not. My best friend Matt and I are planning a big "outing" this spring, and it will cost us both about $50 in total, and will take an entire long weekend. We’re going to hike a stage of the Appalachian trail. we're using old gear we've collected over the years as we're both outdoorsy guys, and almost all of that $50 will be spent on  trail mix and beef Jerky. What will we be talking about and doing to entertain ourselves while we're out there? probably nothing. probably some of the most important conversations the two of us have ever had. Because that's what good friends do. we enjoy eachother's time when we have it, and we don’t expect a whole lot in between except that we're good to each other. It's really what friendship is all about.



It makes me sad to think that there are some folks that don’t have friendships like this because they're so sacred. Especially to me. Friendships like these are the kind of friendships that will help keep you grounded over a lifetime. These kinds of friendships will replace a mentor, or a parent as you grow older and your parents don’t have the same clout as they once did, just because they're from a different generation. or because they've passed on. Wives and girlfriends will come and go, jobs will be won and lost, but a true good friend will be there to get you a six pack of beer, sit around a TV, and play assassins creed with you for way too long as you guys talk it all out. That's something that hard to find as you get older, and if you have it already, cherish it, cultivate it, and keep it for life.