The Fit.

My daughter threw a fit yesterday. Not just any fit, but the biggest fit I've ever seen her throw. She cried for hours. She wouldn't let me touch her or console her, she didn't even want to watch a carton to calm down. It was terrible. I've never seen any human being that upset in my life. and I felt powerless to help her. It was extremely anxiety inducing for me, and turned me into a wreck for the rest of the day. Its hard to explain just how upset a parent can get when their child is inconsolable, but its real, and it's really hard to deal with.



It even bled through onto the cast Chris and I did that day, I was silent a good portion of the time, and the jokes weren't nearly as free- flowing as the usually are. hopefully that doesn't continue today. It was a crazy turn of events as she was so happy all day that day. We played around the house (it was too cold for outside time) we cleaned up together, we cooked together, we even had a half hour long dance party (man are my legs sore!) but it all just came down to the dreaded nap time. Jumping on bed for 5 minutes turned into a screaming "NO!" fit, which in turn became a full mental breakdown. Usually she’ll stop this after 5 minutes or so, and then she'll settle down for a nap, but this was a solid hour and a half of crying, throwing things, and so forth. It was insanity.



Its amazing how powerless you can feel in this situation. leaving the room didn’t help, being in the room didn’t help, giving her food didn’t help. Nothing helped. I was so unsure how to make her calm down that I finally just went downstairs and let her sort it out until she was done crying. when she finally stopped, we each had a chocolate pudding cup (the ultimate peace offering) and watched a cartoon as we both passed out on the couch from the mental exhaustion. It was a rough day to say the very least. God bless stay at home parents.



I'm glad I get to spend this time with my daughter. When I was at this last job, I was home so little that I was essentially the harbinger bedtime. I would come home, watch the last 15 minutes of whatever cartoon she was watching before bed, and then whisk her off to bed, which as you can tell is her least favorite of all activities.  It was hard because she was never really happy to see me. In just the short week I've been home the "I love you daddy" statements are much more common place, and she runs to me when she gets hurt more often than mom now. Its really nice to be able to bond with my daughter like this, because this is the best time to do it, as far as I can see. Shes turning three in March, and this is the time when she's really starting to make heads or tails of her world in a very black and white way "this is bad, that is good” type of thing. I want her to know that "daddy is here for me" is one of those facts of life. Its a good feeling that shes building that into part of her life.
Ideally I would like to find some work that makes more sense for that relationship to grow while also working. I know that that job is out there, I just need to look in the right place. and right now I think keeping my head up and working on my relationship with Sophia is creating a great loving environment that is very reminiscent of my childhood. I was very fortunate as a child. My mother Stayed at home, and worked a few odd jobs to pay the bills. My father was older, and therefore retired. So when I was a child, I had both parents at home all the time, taking care of me and always there for support. There was no "I'm sorry baby I cant get you from school because you're sick, I have a deadline" they were always there for me. The comfort that gave me as a child, now that I think back to it, was invaluable. It gave me that extra wiggle room emotionally that I think all children really need, especially at more impressionable ages. I would love to give some type of that security to my child as well. and I think that Stef and I really are.



The fit was terrifying, the fit made me more upset than she was. she just wiped her face after, ate some pudding, and took her nap, waking up a little cranky, but generally happy to see me and mommy downstairs as she came to. The fit changed how I saw myself as a parent too. I realized that this child really needs me, even when she tries to not need me at all. She needs me in every sense of the word: for food, for shelter, for all basic needs, and most importantly for love. That love needs to be given out constantly, and in high quality. That love is the most important thing I can give to her right now. More important than education, or perfectly balanced 5 item snacks and organic juice boxes. That love is what will help her grow into a confident, self-assured young woman, and will help her deal with fits like that on her own when she needs to when she gets older. It'll give her the ability to remember this fit at 18-or even 35. When she remembers it, she'll go to the kitchen herself, grab a pudding cup, and remember that her daddy loves her and its OK. at least I hope that’s what she remembers.  I know that when I was upset as a little kid, my mother would always grab me a little snack, cuddle me up tight, and just sit with me in the quiet until it was all over. It was the most important thing in the world to me. and since I experienced that when I was little, it helps me deal with those times of great stress myself now. I remember those times of immense love and caring, and they help me move forward in life.



I hope that I can build those same memories for Sophia, so that she knows how to take care of herself emotionally like that. I hope that she knows that the fun we had that morning wasn't just for laughter, but also because exercising even when its too cold to go outside is a daily practice, and very important. I hope that she remembers these things I try to do for her daily, so that she can be a better person than even her mother or I could even imagine.



There's a lot of responsibility to being a parent. just like there is in a job, or in a marriage. However if you break that responsibility down to the little cuddles and pudding cups, to the 30 minute dance parties, to the documentaries about lions you pause and explain to her at each part, then it becomes not a chore, or a place for concern, but a pleasure. You realize that in that moment, you're doing exactly what you need to do to make sure that shes ready for the world. You're teaching her how to care for herself physically, mentally and spiritually. You're showing her that in these simple daily practices, anything is possible as long as you care for yourself and your family first. That's the key I think a lot of folks forget.



This is becoming a daily practice for me, and I'm not sure why to be honest. I've never really had any desire to be a writer or a blogger. (are they the same thing?) however I've always found true romance in the beauty of the written word. there is a really raw beauty to the written word when its as real as it can be, too. I think that's what this is becoming for me. What if i just write how I feel, every single day, and then share it with the world? will people be interested? will it become too scary? I think that's what this will become for me is an experiment in 2 parts: 1: Will there be an interest in people following along as I learn more about myself, and become a better writer and 2: what will I discover about myself because of these writings? Today I discovered that parenting is hard, and beautiful, and frightening, and I think I'm doing OK at it so far. Let's see what we learn tomorrow.