Hidden In The City

The City made me feel sick inside. I had never liked living here. I had always been a country boy at heart. But a man has to do what he has to. Work had dried up in the back country where I had grown up, ad I needed to find a place in this world for myself, so I headed east to the city. It was dirty. It was too big. It moved too fast. It made no sense to me why people would want to live like this. There was too much soot, and smoke, and fire, and other people to be angry at you and such. I Never wanted to live this way.



I had moved out here after Ann had left me. It was a long relationship. She had always loved me and I knew she did. I still lover her I think. I'm not sure. I hope I still do. I just wish that what had happened hadn't come between us. I wish I could explain what happened better to her.  I wish a lot of things. But that's not too important now.



We had met when I was doing roofing one summer up on the mountain working on rich folks homes that only come there in the winter to use the houses as a place to drink and eat and stay in while they waited to go ski at the resorts the next morning. It was damn hard work, but It was a good time as there wasn't much for people around. It was mostly me and the guys ripping nails, drinking beer and swearing all day long. Working on our tans, and making pretty damn good money while we did it. It seemed like this was the best of everything. She came along at this point. She just walked by one day with a sundress on. The guys didn't catcall, that wasn't what you did in the country. We just quieted down, looked at her, waved our hellos, and talked about her for the rest of the day. They all already knew. I looked at her way longer than most. I was struck by her beauty. I needed to meet her. I needed to know her name.



"Don't do it Ken"  Said Gerry, without looking up from the nail gun as he set a row of shingles. "you know the city girls are nothing but trouble. If you meet her at a party fine, but don't go for it. She's probably up here in the summer because she got in trouble in the city anyway. Daddy trying to hide her away from something.



"I don't know Gerry. I'll just say hi"



I was 21. I was an idiot. I was too young to know that Gerry was probably right. Gerry was also the only one who knew that I had visions. Now I'm not saying I'm clairvoyant, but I'll be damned If I can think of another name for it. I went to psychiatrists and doctors and specialists most of my life. My mother would take me about once every other year or so when she just couldn't explain away the things I knew about people anymore, and she would have me checked. The docs would test me, and Test my brain, and keep me in rooms for hours, sometimes what felt like days. And then ask me questions. I would know the answers. I shouldn't, but I did. Then they would want to do more tests. My mother would angrily refuse as they tried to keep me just for one more day, for one more week. For one more month. My Mother was shrewd, That's why she caught my dad when she knew he was selling stolen liquor out of our back shed. That's why she knew that she had to give fake names for both of us every time we went to the doctor. We would lave that doctor's office and never go back.



We lived like this through my childhood. But we always stayed in our same house tucked away in the mountain. It was the right place for me. Not so many people for me to "see." Not so many things to bother me. Or My Mother. It let me think on things. It let my mother rest, instead of worry. It was right. I can't imagine ever leaving there.



Then I met her. Her name was Ann. She was staying up at her parent's summer house for the summer. I started waving a little longer each morning when she walked by. Started asking her how her morning was. It wasn't much, but It was more than I had done ever before. Gerry was pretty much all who I had ever talked to. Gerry knew I knew him better than he even knew himself, and I was too afraid to get to know much anyone else, cuz god knows what I would find out. I had met too many old friend's of my mothers or father's that when I locked eyes with them, they had too much darkness, to much hidden. It would hurt my mind. It would scar it in some way, and I would need to sleep. Sometimes for hours, sometimes for days. That's how my mother found out about my dad's little crime spree. And that he was cheating on her. And that we was fixing to kill us both and take the insurance money and move out east with the girl he had met. Would he have actually done these things? I can't tell. I just see what I see. And when you're 5 years old and you know your dad's fixing to kill your mother, you don't just keep that to yourself while you play with your firetrucks.



I'm letting the story get away from me, though. Ann kept walking by that huge house we were working on. Eventually I worked up the nerve to jump down off the high roof and walk over and say hello. I introduced myself. She told me her name was Ann. I told her that I would be off work at 6 that night. She said she would be around. She said her house was empty, and she would love company. She seemed to know me already. She asked me why I wouldn't look at her face. I told her I would see her tonight and bring by some good cider my mother and I had made from last apple season.



I put on my best shirt and pants and drove over there in my father's old Mustang that he had left in the yard. It had no plates on it, but it was super clean, and It was probably one of the nicest things I had ever seen. I rode up to her house and we got to know each other. It was a great, long night. We talked about a whole lot of nothing for hours and hours. She knew how to talk to a guy like me. We talked about the mountains, and the streams, and the weather. We talked about her, and her college, and how she was glad to be away from it all for a summer. Just enjoying spending time in the country until school started again. She was glad to have met me. I was glad to have met her, too. She asked me why I wouldn't look into her eyes again.



"It's not something I'm too comfortable doing"



"why? She said with a laugh "I won't bite you"



"Oh, I know that"

"Then look at me!" She said in the nicest way. and grabbed my face and made my eyes lock with hers.

And that's when I saw it. Nothing. Not a thing at all. She had shared herself with me through talking so simply, so completely that I knew her inside and out. Just from that night. Sure there were stories about a dog that died too young when she was 4, and some overbad fights she remembered from before her folks had split, but there was no darkness. no hiding, deep secrets that most folks always seem to have.  We fell in love that night. She didn't know why. I still don't think she does.



Three summers went on like this. Me and Gerry hung out our own sign and started working the houses on our own. We plowed roads in the winter to make ends meet, and fixed roofs and built decks and whatever else we pleased as the summer came along. Ann was there every Summer, and gone with the school season. Then she started visiting during breaks. I still hadn't met her parents. She never asked why I didn't much like other people She never asked why I spent to much time alone. It was like she knew. Like she already knew that part about me without me telling her. We started talking about starting a family up here. About her getting a job as a school teacher out here. About our kids, about our life. It was exactly what I wanted, and I couldn't be happier.



Then her father came. He was a tall, slender man in a suit that was too expensive for where he was. He came up in a big shiny car, and had a firm handshake and big white smile. I Introduced myself, and without thinking I had locked eyes with him. I was so happy to be with Ann I had forgot. She was too happy to introduce me. I locked eyes with him and I saw it. I saw that he knew everything. He knew I could see. Hew knew Ann showed me nothing. He knew I had fallen in love with her, and that the product his company had made had made her impervious to my sight. He knew what I was, and he wanted me. Why he didn't hide his thoughts from me, I could never tell.



I packed up and left the next morning.



I work down by the docks now. I keep my head low, I pack the boxes into the ships as they ask me. and Nobody much bothers me. From time to time, I'll see a man come up to me and ask me a question and make it a point to lock eyes with me. I'll see he works for that man in the suit, and I'll turn and walk away. I think he didn't realize that his little trinket didn't work one bit. I still don't think he knows. Ann really just didn't have a damn thing to hide. She loved me, and I loved her. That was the whole story.

 I spend a lot of time watching television, seeing people's stories fold out on that perfect little box. Its good to see stories like that sometime, when things work out so well. Work out so neat and they ride off into the sunset with a big THE END stamped across the back side for the frame.



Me? I don't get an ending like that. I'll be here I imagine most of my natural life. Just trying to stay clear of folks like that man in his suit, and Ann, and everyone else. Because when you can read a man's mind, you find out there's no one you can trust.