It's OK To Be Afraid

I Think we've all been afraid before. If you tell me you haven't you're full of bullshit. I've spent most of my life denying it, though, so I understand. The only thing more difficult than being afraid is pretending you're not when you are. There are plenty of things to be afraid of. The bear that could attack my home in a blind rage for no reason. My wife leaving me. Never finding good, meaningful work. Losing everything.  Losing my mind. These are all things that I'm afraid  of. I think about them all the time.



I think the time when I should have been most afraid, I never felt fear once. When I was alone on the mountain with my mother and struggling to hold onto my sanity with a sick father. Sleeping 3 hours a night, and just not worrying about much. Just letting shit go. Why would I do that? How could I not be freaking out about how bad everything was, how it was never going to get any better, and how I was doomed forever to be a freakish insomniac that would never recover? That's what I would think right now.



Sometimes its too hard to be afraid. Sometimes I think your mind tells you "hey, I know you should be scared, but don't worry so much about that right now, focus more on how to get shit done. And your brain is right. Even when you beat the poor thing to death, and overtax it, give it no sleep, and make it jump through every hoop you can imagine, it'll still point you in the right direction. Its amazing just how strong your brain is. Or maybe that’s my inner strength. I don't know.



But being afraid is good. It tells you when you need to pay more attention to a situation. It tells you when the metal has started to hit meat, and when you need to make sure you're in it to win it. It's more important than most people give it credit. This is the greatest benefit I've gotten from the past month or so: I've realized that when I'm scared, its a great tool. I can realize this fear now, and utilize the energy it gives me to get new things done, because I don't want to be scared anymore. I want it to be right. I want it to be finished so I'm not afraid anymore. I want it all to fit together, to work, to be right. The fear I get gives me that strength.

I was so afraid before, that when I became scared it would be crippling. I would get tunnel vision, I would get dizzy. I would need to go to bed for days on end. That is real, crippling fear. Its terrible. Now, I see the fear, and I accept it, and we make friends. Then, together, we  move forward and make better of the situation. We learn, we change, and we grow together. and thanks to the fear, a friend I had never made before, I'm able to understand just how important it is that i get this shit done, and that I make this shit work, and I go and do it. I don't let it get to me. I let me get to it. And then, with that fear harnessed and pulling me forward, anything is possible.